Deep down my broken heart

I guess this will be the place whenever I wanna get emo. This account was my old account. Well, earlier I read cy's and it sorts of reminded me of him. So I log onto this old account of mine and started reading each blogs and posts I published about him. And I am getting a bit touchy now.

I know he's at fault. I hate him. I really do. Wait a minute. Do I really hate him? I don't know. I guess deep down my broken heart, I still care. Do you know how hurt it was when love turns into friendship, then friendship turns into nothing and in the end, nothing turns into hatred. Yes I know. He's a bloody two timer. Since last time he has been cheating on C. What he told me last year was about E. He goes out with E when he was still with C. And this year itself he actually got close with me and something actually did happened. Well I dont know if thats something for him but damn it seriously mean a lot to me! Do you how much I feel like crying right now yet I don't want to shed anymore tears for you? I bet you don't.

I know I shouldnt be blogging online here about you. But heck I really feel like doing so now. The minute it all falls apart, I began to feel my heart bleeding inside there. Since the day i told you my dirty little secret, everything just went the opposite way. And before I know, we already broke up. I love you all my heart and never did any guy made me feel this way. But I guess honesty wasnt and still is not the best policy. I was way too naive. So what if the whole worlds know about my dirty little secret, I just want my loved ones to trust in me. But I guess this is impossible in a world like mine.

I really miss the time, when we first got to know each other. We'd chatted over the phones for hours until it's dawn. Everything, we'd just talk about anything! Even just crapping, we can still continue for hours. Boy I really feel like turning back the time.

You see I put my trust in you. And you gave me hopes, always, even after broke up. In the end, you just break my heart and left me under the rain without even realising it. Or maybe you did. I don't know. Maybe you're just another being treating me like a puppet. I see the problem. Since the day u left and were with her, u still come back to me once in a while. Dont tell me its some 'perasan' case or so, because I kept almost everything you told me!!

I remember once we went for a drink in Kayu after a long period of not seeing each other. You said you wanted to see if you still feel for me and you told me you still. And all the bullshits and craps. And after that got more to come, the Genting trip you said you wanted to go with me and all. What the hell were all those? Man, you're evil. This is plain obvious. You treat me like some substituent because your girl is busy with her examinations. I feel like a slut. You said you want to give us some memories. But hey, cant you see the logic here? If you want to get over something, you need to 'delete' everything!! Filling me with memories wont help aye? It's fated I guess. Even though i refused all those rubbish in the end it happened, just like that. wtf

When it happened, u didnt realised and what was worse is you dont know about it!! That time I swear I feel like an ultimate bitch whore slut or whatever you'd like to refer me as to. I lost myself once and it's hard to wake up. Now it happened again. Nevermind, i thought.

Then next what happened was I created some havoc between you and your girl. I swear I feel damn guilty. I didnt do it on purpose.Few days I've been trying to ask about you and you sort of give some off response. It's fine with me. Then for the following few weeks, you didn't nudge me or message me online anymore. Once a while I see you online, I message you you ignored me. I knew you were avoiding me. So i stopped messaging you.

I dont see you online for almost 2 weeks. Suddenly, YY came and told me alot about you. She told me you got back with your gf. I was dumbfounded. I didnt expect you to do such a thing. You blocked me. You ignored me. And what you told her was, 'My gf dislike her'. Heck I wont ignore my buddy because of a guy alright?! Think twice, maybe I wasnt even your friend. I was nothing.

I was really really depressed. And I just poured my emotions into blogging. I didn't talk much on what happened, but still... I think your girl read it or so. Then you rang my mobile phone. I just dare not answer, so I left it. You called py and I really dont know what did you tell her. Somehow this you-and-me thing put a distance between me and py. Even now, i still feel the distance. What i learnt was, it is not easy to gain trust. Once i lost my trust in her, i never felt secure all the way until now. Thats another reason i'm blogging here now. It's kinda pathetic.

Another thing, when YY told me bout you hating some girl. I know it must be me. It hits me.

I dont know if I hate you, but I definitely feel the pain, still. I guess this will remain until I really really find someone whom I can really fall in love with again. When will that day be? I think even the cutest guy or the most handsome guy asked me out now, I'd probably say no. Im still not over you. And I hate that. Save me!